As if your suicidal tendencies weren’t already firmly in place when you find yourself heading to the closest vending machine for a bag of Cheez-Its, an Aunti Em’s cookie, and a bottle of Vitaming C-packed Fruitopia (i.e. dinner for one), you can now you can consider your death warrant signed. Last week, the FDA announced a new regulation that requires chain restaurants, vending machines, and movie theaters to make clear the calorie count of all their products. Popcorn butter spout, it’s been real but I’m guessing this means your days are numbered.
Many chain establishments like Chipotle, Jamba Juice, and Starbucks already clearly attach calorie counts next to their menu items, resulting in often horrifying revelations. But does making nutritional information not just readily available but also an unavoidable part of consumption actually deter the people who are already mouthing fifteen depression burritos per week from eating so many said sad wraps? Unclear.
For vending machine, the new rules will only apply to owners who operate 20 or more machines, and the biggest change for consumers will be the opportunity to actually view the calorie content of a pack of mealy pb-on-cheese crackers before we buy them. But it’s unclear whether or not this will actually improve our health in the ways the FDA imagines. One thing, however, is certain: we’re going to feel a hell of a lot more depressed about stuffing a series of dollar snacks into our face when we’re stuck at work or a regrettable bowling alley. The good news: we’ve still got two years left of blissful ignorance.