Taylor Swift has lived in New York City for about ten minutes, so you know, obviously she’s now New York’s New Global Welcome Ambassador. And why not? Most New Yorkers came here from somewhere, and Swift still exudes that youthful joy at living here that people have for the six months, before the dread and the expense set in, and the creeping dream of moving to some mid-sized city where you can buy an apartment for the price of a latte and a smile comes to dominate your every waking thought. (Love ya NYC!)
But some, like NY1’s Pat Kiernan, are disgruntled at Swift’s new image as ur-New Yorker. “Does she know how much to add to a MetroCard to end up without a few cents trapped on it? Does she know which hot dog vendor sells the ‘Recession Special?’ Does she know that 44th Ave., 44th Rd. and 44th Dr. are all parallel streets in Queens?” Kiernan asked. All valid questions, all on the New York City naturalization test. So to placate Kiernan and the other anti-Swift contingent, some nominations for New York City Ambassador.
He’s loud, he’s opinionated, he has an ambivalent relationship with the city, and he’s been arrested for riding his CitiBike the wrong way through traffic. Perfect.
Snider, who grew up in Queens, was righteously pissed about Swift as ambassador, and honestly, righteously pissed is basically the quality that New York needs in a representative. Plus: Sick hair.
Disembodied Subway Announcer Voice
“Welcome to New York, we’ve been kxxxtheuroawtan….pzzt…bao….”
But like, only if we get to use this picture:
Times Square Elmo
“Welcome to New York, that’ll be $5. What??? [Screaming]”
Yes, dermatologist dude with the Great Gatsby-esque subway promotion. (Remember how he was the only person who turned down having a cameo on 30 Rock? Like, Oprah did 30 Rock but Dr. Zizmor considered it beneath him. That’s moxie.) Overall message: “Welcome to New York. Your face could use improving.”
Blue Ivy Carter
Look, Blue Ivy is two years old and she’s already lived here longer than Ms. 1989. This little girl teethed on crust from Roberta’s, and she’s adorable, and her parents are famous people. Also, folks, we already have a semi-resident pop star and her name starts with “B” and ends with “yonce” and please, step off Taylor Swift already.
Sure, OK, Patti Smith is probably too busy casually ruling everything to bother with luring tourists here. But I feel better living here knowing that she does too, y’know? Maybe she and Laurie Anderson could go halfsies on it. “Welcome to New York…here is an electronic instrument that I invented and a book of Rimbaud’s poems, please ignore James Franco.”
You know, PUSH, that talking garbage can from Tomorrowland? One of those only maybe with a saltier vocabulary and some anecdotes about seeing Lou Reed buy lox that one time. What’s that you say? We already have Alec Baldwin on the list?