How to Eat a Fucking Slice (of Pizza)

Bdo2LOEIcAATRmL

Mayor Bill de Blasio went to Staten Island today, as we have never done one does, and ate some pizza. The above photo was taken during a press lunch at the restaurant Goodfellas (what’s up, SI), and clearly shows de Blasio eating pizza with a fork. As Colin Campbell perfectly put it on Politicker, “Stick a fork in him.” De Blasio’s done, you guys. But just in case his impeachment isn’t a sure thing, we thought we’d go over the rules of how to eat a fucking slice, so that none of you will fall prey to the same trap that has felled our new mayor and other notable New Yorkers, like, uh, Donald Trump. Here’s how to eat a fucking slice.

1) Pick it up with your hands.

2) Put it in your mouth.

3) Chew and swallow.

That’s all! It’s just that simple. And, no, I don’t want to hear about how it’s acceptable when it’s not a classic New York slice, and is instead part of a whole pie. Guess what? You should still eat it with your hands. Oh, your slice has too many toppings to pick up easily? You’ll get messy? Well then, maybe you shouldn’t be eating it. Maybe you should stick to something that’s more your speed. Get a calzone. Just don’t eat pizza with a knife and fork and expect to get any respect in this town. That’s all we’re saying.

Follow Kristin Iversen on twitter @kmiversen