“An Applebee’s Grows in Brooklyn”

Coney Island Applebees
  • Grub Street
  • NOT REAL. A horrifying artist’s-fantasy.

Applebee’s is opening another location in Brooklyn, this time in Coney Island. Or, to put it another way, “An Applebee’s Grows (Again) in Brooklyn…,” which not only rolls easily off the tongue—it’s also a clever pun on the never-punned name of Betty Smith’s classic novel! And the subject of a press release sent out last week by the restaurant chain, heralding its new restaurant, set to open next week on Surf Avenue between Stillwell and W. 12th Street. Of course, this makes sense, as the company is “known for their out-of-the-ordinary… locations and buildings [and] always looking to WOW their guests,” which makes them a great fit for kooky Coney Island.

What makes this location so out-of-the-ordinary? Well, it’ll have a second floor with a rooftop terrace that’ll include a fireplace to boldly “extend the outdoor dining season.” Imagine that! Dozens of bourgeois tourists sitting high above you, looking down on the scum stuck at street level. Well, don’t let me paint the picture; let Applebee’s! “‘Imagine sitting above the excitement of Surf Avenue, watching the comings and goings on the infamous Coney Island Boardwalk while dining on Applebee’s signature favorites’ said Apple-Metro, Inc. CEO; Zane Tankel.” (Dear Applebee’s, I am available for very basic freelance copyediting at very reasonable rates!) Imagine barricading yourself and your family in your own private panic room and watching the energy on the historic boardwalk on your own CCTV monitors! While eating Applebee’s signature favorites. Imagine fiddling while Rome burns! On Applebee’s signature fiddles!

What else makes this new place so Coney Island-y? How about “a dining room focal point connecting the restaurant with the Atlantic Ocean and New York Aquarium”? Because “anchoring the Dining Room will be a 4,300 gallon fish tank that is 20’ long and 10’ tall housing sharks and other exotic specimens.” I can’t imagine anything Coney Island visitors need reminding of more than sharks. Have a nice swim! (Jk, who would go swimming when you can sit on a terrace and watch people too poor to have their own pools go swimming?)

To read something serious about the negativity of the chainification of Coney Island, check out this GrubStreet post from last year.

Follow Henry Stewart on Twitter @henrycstewart