How Hipsters, Irony, and the War on Men Have Conspired to Leave All Women Single Forever

You will never, ever, ever, ever get to wear these rings. Dream on.
  • You will never, ever, ever, ever get to wear these rings. Dream on.

It’s a tough time right now for young women. They are engaged in an epic war on men, they are struggling against the oppression of hipsters and irony, and also, most importantly, they are trying to find husbands. I don’t even know why we think we live in a society anymore. This isn’t living. At least, not according to what several movies starring Kate Hudson taught me.

Larissa Faw, a contributor to Forbes, who specializes in “workplace trends impacting Millenial women” wrote a piece about the struggles that she and her friends are having finding mates. Faw, whose piece is titled “Why Are So Many Professional Millennial Women Unable To Find Dateable Men?” wonders why it is exactly that she and her friends are having such a hard time finding husbands, or even boyfriends! Now, before you assume anything about Faw and her friends, let me assure you, or rather, let Faw assure you, she and all her friends are “successful, gorgeous, and amazing.” They are also accomplished! Faw explains, “We were accepted into the right college, landed the dream job, and developed a network of amazing friends. Our apartments are beautifully decorated and we have closets full of stylish clothing.” Well, then, what could be wrong? Why must Faw and her friends—and by extension, I suppose, every single woman in the Millenial generation—”remain kiss-less on New Year’s Eve. And on Valentine’s Day. And on the 4th of July.” Why is it that “the only dateable men we encounter are either attached, gay, or otherwise involved in ‘it’s complicated’ situations?”

Well, if you ask me, I blame irony. Faw is clearly someone who lacks any sense of irony and the Millenial generation is one that prizes irony. Faw sincerely thinks that she and her friends are “busy dominating the world.” Doing what? Writing about themselves for Forbes.com? Further, Faw asserts that because she and her friends are so busy with their world domination plans that they “don’t have time to hang out at bars.” That sounds like no fun at all! They sound like the worst people ever.

Further proof that Faw is the worst? Her final bit of advice—I think offered unironically?— is “the popular suggestion to move to another state with a more favorable male-female ratio. It worked for my sister who found her boyfriend in Alaska.” How exactly is Faw planning on finding the “potential mates that include college degrees and white-collar jobs” that she says she and her friends deserve in Alaska, land of Levi Johnston and Track Palin? I mean, good luck with that Larissa Faw. Murray Hill (I have to assume?) will miss you.

Follow Kristin Iversen on twitter @kmiversen

5 Comment

  • she britta’ed it.

  • Articles like this are such garbage. I’m an attractive, talented, intelligent, sensitive, educated, employed man who is mentally stable and emotionally secure. If there are sooooooooo many similarly-situated single women in New York City, why have I not come across at least one? I’m tired of hearing that there are and they’re just desperate to meet a man like me, because it’s just not true. Every time I think I have found one, it turns out she just wants casual sex. I go through my times of self-doubt because of this, and all of my coupled lady friends (and my gay male friends, and my straight male friends and my lesbian friends) tell me I’m a great catch, yet still I’ve been single for 5 years and frankly it’s because there are very few (read: like, almost none) “dateable” women who are single and want commitment. I’ve got peeps telling me I’m the shit, yet single I remain. My point is that single men have it just as hard. So quit whining, ladies, and put your heart where your vagina is.

  • Andrew Jimenez is a fag.

  • OMG, VINNY, RU DTF?