Speculatively, Seven Classics Get the Fifty Shades of Grey Treatment
Moby Dick Herman Melville
Soooo…I haven’t read Moby Dick. But I had to include it, right? Because of the title. And because they’re chasing a sperm whale around the world. And because it’s about a bunch of men on a ship with all those ropes and weapons and I mean, the sexy-sex version just writes itself, right?
Plus, the whole “Call me Ishmael” thing. Ishmael would make a great safe word.
But then, I read the Wikipedia page on Moby Dick and…just…have you all read the actual book? Because apparently it starts off with our friend Ishmael heading up to a boarding house in Massachussets—called the SPOUTER-INN—and he agrees to share a bunk with some random dude who isn’t yet in the bed. According to our friends at WIkipedia, “when [Ishmael’s] bunk mate, a heavily tattooed Polynesian harpooner named Queequeg, returns very late and discovers Ishmael beneath his covers, both men are alarmed, but the two quickly become close friends and decide to sail together from Nantucket, Massachusetts on a whaling voyage.”
Herman Melville, you awesome, twisted bastard! I don’t think we’d need to change a thing to make this more erotic. Bravo, sir, bravo!