Remember Hurricane Irene?
How it was going to be the apocalypse or something?
And then it wasn’t and then we had a whole winter where it didn’t snow almost at all and now we’re in the middle of a hot, hot summer and wondering when the next BIG storm will be?
Well, it’s here.
And it’s called a derecho.
According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association, a derecho is “is a widespread, long-lived wind storm that is associated with a band of rapidly moving showers or thunderstorms.”
Also it is pronounced “deh-RAY-cho.” Which, yeah. Thanks, NAOO, you’re very thorough. Click on this link to hear a pronunciation of derecho.
Seriously, very thorough.
And, apparently, we live in a zone that sees the occurrence of a derecho about once every two years. Which is strange? Because I would swear on all things holy that I’ve NEVER heard of a derecho before one struck Washington DC earlier this July.
Anyway, what does this mean for BROOKLYN?!?
It means that you need to prepare!
Go to the store.
Buy all the water.
Buy all the batteries.
Buy all the ice cream.
Buy all the cheese.
Go home and immediately begin charging your phone in case the power goes out.
Clear out all the crap under your bed so that you can hide under there if it starts to get too scary.
If your bed is just a mattress on the floor, build a fort out of blankets, pillows, towels, whatever you have on hand.
Forts are the best.
Have unprotected derecho sex so that nine months from now, you can be part of the big “Derecho Baby Boom” that is bound to happen.
Curse the fact that you have all these batteries but you don’t have a flashlight. In fact, the only thing you have that’s battery-powered is your TV remote and the power is out so now you can’t watch TV anyway.
Have more unprotected sex.
I think that covers it!
I hope everyone survives.
And remember—only have unprotected derecho sex with someone you know and trust and want to have a “Derecho Baby Boom” baby with.
If you’re not totally sure about this, just eat your cheese.